Over the Hill?

Two weeks from now it is going to happen to me. It has happened to a lot of my friends this year already. Is it going to be a life changing event? I don't think so. I am just turning 40. When I was twenty, I believed that 40 was old. Really old. Now that I am almost there, I realize that the only thing that really changes as you get older is your body. I still feel like the same person as that 20 year old. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel like there must be some mistake, who is that woman with wrinkles forming around her eyes and (yuck) sun damage (ok age spots)? It is like a Disney movie and I am a teenager trapped inside the body of a 40 year old.

My teenager came home from school last week to find me cranking the ipod and dancing around to The Black Eyed Peas. He told me to stop trying to act young. (This from a 14 year old who acts 90). I explained to him that I was not playing hip music to try to impress him. I was having fun, in fact I had been listening to the ipod all day. I told him that someday when he was old he would get it. I have tried to impress upon him that for all we know this life is all we get. You might as well make the most of every single moment.

Although I am the same person some things have changed. When I was 20 I thought I was fat even though I weighed less than 120lbs. I would like to smack that 20 year old me. I tell a lot of my young friends to love their bodies now, because it doesn't get better. You may lose wieght, but the firmness and smooth skin changes over the years. So even now I tell myself to love my 40 year old body, because it isn't going to get better. Someday I will look back and long for what I have now. I am also a lot more confident than I was in my younger years. I would always worry about what people thought of me and held back so I wouldn't look stupid. Now I don't really care. When I was 26 my sister in law told me I was too old to have long hair. I liked my long hair. I liked wearing a high ponytail and french braids. I didn't really think I was too old to have long hair, but I listened to Suzanne and cut my hair into a bob. I hated it. I have been trying to get my hair back to that length ever since. It isn't as long as it was then, but it is long. Sometimes I even wear it in a low side pony tail with a flower in it. Like I said, I don't care what other people think, I like it.

When I turned 30, I got a tattoo. It wasn't something I had always wanted to do, but it felt right at the time. I still like my tattoo, but I don't see myself marking this decade with another one. How will I remember my 30s? My children have grown from toddlers to teens and tweens. With the growth of our kids, Joe and I have regained some freedom too. Being able to leave the kids without calling a sitter allows us to go on dates and have nights out with friends. The next decade will bring even more change with the kids driving, dating and going off to college.

Although I can't say I am looking forward to getting older, I will still enjoy the moments and never act my age.

Rookie Mistake

Teenagers are a tough breed. Alec, my 14 year old, was always such an easy child. He was sweet, quiet, thoughtful and affectionate. He was also a very bright and serious child. I remember my first teacher conference with his kindergarten teacher. She suggested that we might tickle and hug him more. Joe and I sat in those tiny chairs with our jaws dropped and just blinked a few times. She is kidding, right? We both kind of chuckled uncomfortably, not knowing what to say. I think my response was finally "Well, if we tickled or hugged him more I think we could get in trouble." haha

The truth was that he thought too much. He thought about things children normally never consider. One time when he was around 9 we came upon an accident on the road. A man on a motorcycle had crashed and we were the ones who discovered the scene. The kids didn't see anything really, just the man's feet propped up on the guardrail. But Alec got very sad and wondered what would become of the man's family. How would they feel when they found out they had lost their father or husband. These are very profound feelings for an 9 year old. Kyle, who was 6, thought it was cool to see a dead guy. Not sure which one I should worry about more.

So now Alec is a teenager. I guess I was crazy to think that my sweet boy would retain these positive traits into his teen years. It may even be that these traits are still there but have somehow morphed into a dark force. His sensitivity is now what makes him sullen and moody. He came home from school the other day clearly in a foul mood. He would not talk about it no matter how much I coaxed. I am still learning how to parent a teen, and I made a rookie mistake. Instead of leaving him alone, I decided to poke the tiger. At the time I though humor might lighten the mood. I commented on how the way he was wearing his hair looked like Dwight Shrute from The Office. Apparently he had been hearing that all day and that was the reason for his mood. Ooops. How was I supposed to know?

I told him to wake me up the next morning and I would use the blow dryer to get rid of those curls. So the next morning he woke me bright and early to let me help with his hair. I straightened out the bothersome curls and he looked cute. Honest. I went back to bed and he went downstairs and wet his hair. Now I realize that when I was a teenager and my mother told me that I wore too much makeup and I insisted I looked good, maybe I should have listened to her. Is it possible that our parents actually had our best interest in mind?

Finding Relevance

I have decided to start a blog called Kitchen Chaos. Two years ago I wrote a newspaper column with the same name. The topic was food and family. I enjoyed sharing recipes and stories, but the newspaper industry is hurting and money lacking. I didn't mind writing the column for free at first, but when they sent me a bill for my subscription I decided that was too much. I have missed writing and decided to join the growing number of bloggers.

The kitchen is where we cook, create, eat and join together as a family every day. The kitchen is where the kids drop there shoes, backpacks and do homework. It is where we drink wine and talk with friends. We dance and sing in the kitchen. I have had some pretty intense discussions with my husband in the kitchen. The kitchen is truly the heart of the home.

This morning over coffee I was telling Joe about some issues at work. I could see I was losing him. He nodded while I explained about the trouble with the schedule and how certain people were aggravated with other people. But I could tell he was somewhere else. It is the same face I get when he tells me how he scored every single point in his last game of racquetball. I pretend to be interested but I am really thinking of my grocery list or the last episode of The Bachelor.

It is hard to feign interest in subjects that don't matter to you, but we all want to be heard. We want to be understood. We want to be relevant. So I am sending my voice out into the vast expanse of the Internet hoping to be heard and hoping someone might find it matters. Welcome to my kitchen.