Hope in Progress

When you decide as a couple to have children, it is a decision based on love. You bring a baby home from the hospital with dreams of picnics on the beach, building sandcastles, teaching them to ride a bike and the happiness you will experience as a family. You want them to grow knowing love, security and a sense of well being. Kids do not come with a manual. Each and every child is different and there is no one direct path to creating happiness for them. We, as parents, do the best we can. What happens when the plans stray from the path we envisioned? What do we do when the child we love does not sail with ease through life's transitions?

When Alec was born 15 years ago, I thought my life could not have been more perfect. We had experienced a scare when Joe was almost killed in a car accident during my 5th month of pregnancy. By the time Alec was born, Joe was pretty much fully recovered. Life was back on track and things were looking good. We enjoyed our family life- taking bike rides, hikes, and playing peek a boo with our beautiful, happy baby boy. We knew Alec was bright from a very early age. I remember when he was eight months old and said "monkey" and then made a monkey sound. When he was four years old and the pediatrician asked him a series of questions, such as the names of shapes, she was amazed that he could name a hexagon and that a child this age knew the difference between male and female. We were happy that he was smart. That should mean school was breeze and his future should unfold easily before him. Unfortunately, being smart sometimes has other effects. During our first ever school conference with his kindergarten teacher she told us we needed to hug and tickle Alec more. We had no idea what she meant. I am pretty sure if we tickled him more, it might constitute abuse. We were very silly and happy parents. It didn't make sense. Alec was a serious fve year old, but what is wrong with that?

Imagine being a child, but seeing the world through the eyes of an adult. I think that is what Alec sees. He always seemed to worry about things a child should never even think about. His unusual perspective and sensitivity have made him different. He has never felt like he fit in with his peers. His self confidence and self esteem suffered. Alec is now 15 years old- an age that can be difficult under the best of circumstances. Teenagers want desperately to belong, to fit in and be accepted. This year Alec decided to join football. Joe and I were perplexed but also somewhat relieved. This could be a great way for him to make friends and be physically active. When he came home from the first couple of practices smiling, I was overjoyed. It didn't last long though. After a couple more practices in the overbearing heat of August, he was done. He wanted to quit. Joe and I disagreed. The heat would be over soon, the fun part would begin-it would get better. We told him to suck it up.

The saying hindsight is 20/20 could not be truer in this case. What followed our decision to make him stick it out was like spiraling into a black hole. His already low self confidence and self esteem basically disappeared when he felt like he was terrible at the sport and that his teammates recognised this. As I was writing this last week, I got a call from the school adjustment counselor. Alec had been talking to her and we needed to go down to the school right away. After a very painful discussion about how Alec was feeling, the decision was made to allow Alec to quit football.

Joe and I have been feeling tremendous guilt that what we viewed as an important life lesson caused Alec to feel so bad. We do still believe there are values gained in sticking it through something that is difficult. We have also learned that some lessons are not so important if the cost is too great.

We are working on healing now. A teenager's self confidence needs repairing. As parents, our self confidence has also been damaged. We are moving forward cautiously and hope soon we will look back on this period as a time of necessary growth.